nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
