did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can you bring me the toilet please
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize