please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
