mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
