A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
