I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
