She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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