I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
