is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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