sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
