I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
