im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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