Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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