I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
