he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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