theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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