I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
