So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
