I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
