She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
