We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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