What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
