My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
