There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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