Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This house was built for laser tag.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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