Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
