Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We are two peas in an std pod
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
