my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
