The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
