I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It's never too late to be topless.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
