No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
