you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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