someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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