I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
