The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
