By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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