So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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