When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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