Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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