I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
