Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I want a musical about memes.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
