Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
