My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
