The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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