1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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