when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
