I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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