Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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