I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
