I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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