what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
