I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
