Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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