I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
