Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
