Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
